| I've recently come to a better understanding of why I tend to be OCD
about many of the things in my job. The way things are done, when they
are done, etc. It always has to work the same way everytime.
now. the reason why is simple. I want those things to be static,
because as humans we want what we seemingly cant have. and what I cant
have is that static feeling around life as a whole. I've moved around
so much in the past few years, and while Knoxville wasnt entirely
without its life lessons this time around, it was without a static
feeling.
As a result of that I have reluctantly chosen to be submissive to the
parents, and do as they have asked. At this point in time they are the
only ones who can bring a lasting constant to my life for a time. I've
tried, and I can't do it in a time efficient manner. so the goal in all
this would be to submit, and ultimately get what I want sooner.
basically a trade-off.
Its admittedly difficult to do this. and most unsettling. enough so
that I have been increasingly on edge and snappy. Its very hard to let
go of my pride in all of this, and at the same time carry on with day
to day interactions. At this point I think what also has me on edge is
that Im gearing down on my hopes/dreams for Knoxville and am just ready
to move past that. Its like I've come to the realization that its not
an effective route, but I still have to be on it for a time, which is
frustrating. So in self justification, if i've been grouchy or stand
offish to you. Im sorry. o_o
Things will get better when Im able to move past this. I think.
also.. this may seem scatter brained.. its because I am scatter brained ><
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| ..life for me has always taken, in my mind, the form of a story being
written. I took the pen from the authors for a while. seemingly
preemptive in doing so. from here I'll write the end to this chapter,
and hand the pen
back to other authors, until the time that the pen will be rightfully
mine.
So that being said, I pray this
Lord. grant me the patience needed to continue to move through the
pages of this story, until the day that it is not preemptive for me to
be the one writing those pages. grant me the wisdom to know when that
time has come. and the discernment to know your will in this, and the
awareness to see past my own ambitions.
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Xanga got dusted off again.
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